I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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