Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
