i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
