i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
