he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He has the fingertips of a God
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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