Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
