You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
