I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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