I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
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