If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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