he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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