so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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