I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
