Why are handjobs necessary in class?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
