nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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