I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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