we have pet lesbian snakes
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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