she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
