Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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