The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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