I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
operation harelip BJ is a go
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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