i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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