tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
