We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
