I cockslap morals
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
