Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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