he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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