You work out of a Hotel?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
