Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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