I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
