I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
