If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
