She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
