do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
