i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
