i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
