you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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