the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
