you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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