I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
