2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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