walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you had me at cake vodka
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
