i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
