Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Gay?
German.
Pity.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
