Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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