She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
