Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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