We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
