She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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