Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
