It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
