i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
