in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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